I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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