normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
