My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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