Did you just see the Batmobile???
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
