i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My liver just had a heart attack.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
