3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
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