Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
50% drunk capacity currently
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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