Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
