so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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