Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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