I can text with my tongue
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
