Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
