Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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