I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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