I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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