You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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