Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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