I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
