yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
