she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
