Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
