Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
