I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
