In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
