My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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