ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
