I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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