once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
