i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
