i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize