Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
