I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
