I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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