If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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