I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
zippers are such a cool invention
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
