dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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