I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
