my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
