My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
