I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
