We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
