What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
