Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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