Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
