DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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