she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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