Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
