giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
