Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
