There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
