I look better un-naked...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
