I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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