she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
