Need sex. Gaining weight.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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