Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
