I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
