Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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