I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
