Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he was CRYING into my vagina
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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