I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
