What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
