is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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