Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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