It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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