So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
