so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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