i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize